More forgo clergy-led funerals for those by secular 'celebrants' - USATODAY.com - But We're Not Dead Yet!

By Cathy Lynn Grossman, USA TODAY

When Kenneth Kistner, 85, died in February, his wife, Carmen, didn't call any clergy.

At the Detroit memorial service for the Marine veteran and retired educator, Kistner's family read a eulogy — one that Kistner himself approved years earlier, when it was drafted by a secular "celebrant" near their retirement home in Largo, Fla.

A growing number of people want to celebrate a loved one's life at a funeral or memorial service without clergy — sometimes even without God.

And that's giving rise to the new specialty of pastoral-style secular celebrants who deliver unique personalized eulogies without the rituals of institutional religion.

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Funerals are a major part of my ministry. They are opportunities for me to touch people at their point of hurt and bring the grace and love of God to them without being judgmental, "preachy," or even overly religious,

Solomon said that God has made everything beautiful in its time and set eternity in the hearts of men.'

I have not seen much decline in the desire of people to have someone lead them in a guided period of thinking about ultimate issues at the occasion of someone's death. Even the non-religious, who constitute most of the people I meet this way, appreciate the insights that scripture brings to such issues as:

• Life really does have meaning and purpose.
• Love is essential to our lives.
• Grief is real and is hard work. Lean into it. There is healing in your future.
• Friends - seen and unseen - can help us through the process.
• Make use of every day you have.
• Life is a gift.
• Add value to other people's lives.

I seldom have resistance to prayer and scripture when used to apply these truths AND when they are integrated into an attempt to reflect on the lessons of the life of the deceased.

Perhaps one of the problems with some people's conception of what it means to have clergy present is our fault:

• When we use a canned approach.
• When we fail to spend time listening to the family prior to the service.
• When we don't ask questions that give us insight into that person's life.
• When we separate the remembrance of the person from the spiritual truths we are communicating.
• When we ignore the deceased or the family.
• When we do not allow laughter and tears to flow together.
• When we tell people how they should feel or not feel.
• When we fail to present good news.

I have no intention of abandoning this ministry. I have performed well over 1000 funerals - most for people who did not attend church regularly. I have seldom had a service where people did not express that they felt lifted and encouraged.

Am I great at it?

Not really.

There is, however, one thing I do that not everyone does. I listen actively, assimilate deeply, and give what I hear back to the people wrapped in truth, grace, and love.